Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
