i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well I just put wine in my tea
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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