woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
