Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
