Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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