I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
