I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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