Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
