Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
