I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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