Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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