he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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