24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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