its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
