Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
