i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
