also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You brought string cheese to the strip club
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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