Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
