This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
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So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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