ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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