so that wasnt chicken after all
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
