we have pet lesbian snakes
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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