there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
