You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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