I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
