My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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