I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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