I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
