My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
