i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The uberlube is also flammable
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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