no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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