Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
