i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
