I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
