your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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