You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
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I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
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Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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