Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
