Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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