I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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