just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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