Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
