smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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