mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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