my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
