My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
