Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
