someone threw a dead crab at me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Randomize
