I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
