paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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