theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Enjoy the penises
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
