So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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