No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
