new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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