The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
